Losses

Have you ever had a friend that drifted away but who still has the power to "get under your skin"? I do.

We were close friends and drifted apart. I accept that. I have 99% gotten used to things as they are. I don't chat as much with him because we don't share as many things in common as before. Sometimes I find it irritating because we only talk about his life. Sometimes I get a little envious because he has improved his life so much while (in some ways) mine has stalled.

I get tired of feeling like an observer getting glimpses of his life. I know we aren't going to be as close as we were. Part of me wants to cut off the friendship totally so I don't have to be reminded of him. That idea bothers me because I am not sure of his reaction. Would he be hurt or would he even care?

This morning I read a post in his MySpace blog which summarized the last year. Much of the information from the last three months was new to me. That bothered me a little because we aren't as close as we were. What bothered me most was that myself and others who played a part in his "story" had been ignored in the summary. It is his story to tell. I only played a part in it. So why did I get upset?

I guess I don't like to think I got edited out on purpose or just forgotten. The first is irritating but the second is scary.

What an odd combination: feeling forgotten but irritated that I haven't learned to forget yet.

Sometimes I REALLY hate emotions.

Some Observations

I had a bad night last night. This morning I am better but wanted to write this so I won't forget.

1. I still over-react to what one person says. I wonder if it's my way of not letting go.

2. None of my close friends (online or off) contact me unless they need something. I have to contact them.

3. When I think that I expect too much of my online friend I am comparing him to my offline friend. Then I think of #2 and get angry again.

4. In the last two years I have progressed best when helping others.

5. I have progressed mush slower than the people I have helped.

6. Having emotion again is a good thing but sometimes it hurts like hell.

I chatted with one of my blogfriends this morning and none of this came out. We talked about music videos. I know I am not alone but sometimes it feels like it.

Bah, #@%$

I wasn't going to post here tonight. I wrote a quick post in one of my other blogs and was going to play a computer game. Then I saw a friend was online and decided to say hello.

I only talk to him about once a week and the chats used to be great but now they are varied. The chat started okay. The conversation covered his news - which I had to ask about. Then he seemed to stop responding so I switched to what I was doing. No response. 15 minutes later... still no response.

Why are some people so rude when chatting?

Why do they make me feel like a second class friend?

I know another person who disappears in the middle of chats and I find it annoying as well. I wonder if I expect more of the guy I talked to tonight because we were once close friends.

I guess it is time to look at what I want from people and what I expect from them.

Been Busy

My weekend was a busy one and good for the most part. I had one bad morning where I couldn't stop brooding and being angry but I got through that.

Friday: I volunteered and it was busy but not too hectic. I signed up to attend a conference in November.

Saturday: I went to "Navy Days" at Ogden Point and looked at military equipment and displays. I also talked to some interesting people and took photos. Most of the Armed Forces units in Victoria participated.

Sunday: The morning was rough and I didn't sleep at all. I managed to have lunch with friends and then slept a lot later.

These last few days I have been thinking and when I had enough of that I have been reading novels.

Sometimes things seem over but then come back. Luckily the hard things come back easier each time. Decisions hurt but the alternative is to let indecision fester and burn. The main thing is that as my mind clears a little more I can see beyond the past and present and hope for the future. I am not turning my back on anyone but helping myself. Sometimes I have to over-react to get the painful things done.

There is someone I need to talk to but I am nervous about it. It is time.

Still Alive

I am finally online again and catching up in blogs and email. I am catching up with the changes in my life.

September is always a time of change for me. Well, the last thirty days have certainly turned everything upside down. I can't believe how unprepared I was for it all and how badly I handled things. I hurt myself and maybe others too. People certainly hurt me.

It doesn't matter. It is over and the issue is closed. I am not turning anyone away but just adapting to the changes.

I am still alive.

Small Accomplishments

I woke up last night and didn't know what time it was or even what day it was. The only thing I knew was that I didn't feel sick.

Part of my problem with friends lately is that I haven't had much to say about myself. This combined with a lack of interest (sometimes) has left me feeling forgotten and useless. Some people have been talking to me and I appreciate that.

I was checking stats for Firemind and noticed that readership is down. I know that some people subscribe to my blog in Bloglines and other readers and they don't show up in the stats as visits. (I guess that's why I like to physically visit a blog when I read it).

Part of me just wants to stop worrying about people and live my own life. Part of me says "screw readers" and write for myself. I am doing more of that. I also don't shove people away so I am trying to find a balance. I am getting there slowly but surely.

So what are those accomplishments I mentioned in the title? "Getting there" is one of them. I also read all of Stephen King's "The Bachman Books" this week. That's four novels! I also made myself some bologna burgers this morning.

Sometimes the little things outweigh the big ones.

Cheers.

Mixed Feelings

Yesterday, I finally caught up on my sleep. The mix of stress and lack of sleep was wearing me down but I made up for it by being comatose for a long time. When I woke up I went out to eat and had to pace myself so I wouldn't get sick. Things worked out okay.

Today was volunteer day and I was happy to go to the office. For a while it was very busy and we had some intense people to deal with. I was happy when the day was done.

I wandered around visiting bookstores until I was hungry. I had bangers and mash for dinner at the pub. It was great.

When I got home I got playing around with some code for a website and found I could do some extra stuff with it. (No, I am not turning into a hacker. Haha.) Some sites are poorly designed.

I am still adapting to the changes in my friends. I will be fine but things seem odd now.

Communication Breakdown

I finally found out something related to my last post. Not much, but it helps.

I hate it when you need to talk to someone but they just can't talk to you right now. If they let you know they need space for a while that helps a lot. If they don't you worry.

This gets complicated when other people try to talk to you. You don't feel up to chatting and avoid them until you are ready.

This is like a chain reaction. One person effects another who effects another.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't care - and if I didn't worry about things too much.

Sometimes my "firemind" can be a liability.

Dazed

I have been tired and cranky these last few days. I couldn't seem to communicate with a friend on the weekend and that bothered me. I didn't do anything wrong but I made someone angry anyway. I stayed offline yesterday but went online tonight. I think I am being blocked.

What happened to trust, and honesty, and respect? They are probably still there but when I'm hurt I can't see them. I have been trying to change these last few months but have found it difficult. Change comes slow for me.

I hate waiting and wondering what is happening. I know people sometimes need time to express what is on their minds. Still, I feel dazed and sore.

Making Progress

This morning I am feeling down but that is due to emotional fatigue and general depression. It is a pain but not like what I went through a few days ago. I know what I have to do in the next couple of days and that should help with this.

I have browsed several blogs but haven't had time to really catch up on my reading. I hope to do that in the next few days. I have been able to talk to family and friends.

I had a nice long talk with my parents on Monday. I wondered if it would be about what I have been feeling lately, but it was more of the usual sharing of time and news. I haven't talked to my parents about 'problems' for years.

I had a nice chat with Stephen that same night. It was fun to catch up on news and joke around. As usual our conversation turned to his art classes and I checked out his latest work. I figured out most of the components in this picture. Can you?

I have been thinking about what I want to blog about. Several friends have commented/asked questions about my Directions post so I plan a "Directions 2" to add to it. I will also write about some of my memories such as the time I climbed a mountain and when I went ghost hunting in York.

Many of you know Shogun through this blog, his blog, or our group blogs. Lately he has been struggling to keep his blog going and finally decided to stop blogging - at least for now. He gave me permission to write a post to follow up the ones I wrote in July.

This weekend I felt like I was trapped between the past and the future. Now I feel like I am going forward again.

Cheers.

Turmoil

The last 24 hours have been chaotic and upsetting for me. Last night I was very tired but couldn't sleep. I was reacting to some of the events and conversations from earlier in the day and I was waiting for one of my friends to get home so I could talk to him. When I contacted my friend everything seemed to go wrong.

I slept poorly and woke up tired and cranky. I felt bad about the chat and found myself brooding about it. I finally went to the park and just sat and tried to not think about anything. I realized a lot of the problem was that we had tried to talk while tired. I also figured out one of the underlying issues I had been dealing with.

When I got home I contacted my friend and apologized and sorted things out. I was just saying goodbye when another friend phoned me. I talked to him for a few hours. After talking with my friends I felt much better.

This roller-coaster ride started and ended with my friends. Adjusting to changes in them and in myself began the process. Trusting them and talking to them stopped it and reassured me that my friendships were secure.

Now I can work on some of the things I learned about myself.

Reaction

I was upset this morning. I had been chatting with a friend and just couldn't seem to keep the conversation going. Since I was bored and wanted to talk I didn't want to quit. The silences grew longer and I didn't know what to say. The conversation seemed dead so I said goodbye and logged out. I then got upset.

Usually our chats are good and they make me think. Sometimes I get good ideas for blog posts. Last night I was a bit keyed up because I was pushing myself to get some chores done and was quite happy with all I accomplished. I guess I wanted things to go well online too. When it didn't I was dissatisfied and left the conversation. I was surprised at my reaction though.

I wonder if my reaction is based on insecurity on my part. If I am not interesting will I cease to be relevant? I don't know. I do know I reacted because some need wasn't being met.

I hate it when a tantrum like this comes along.

The Emotion Game

Emotion signals interest or at least attention. Song-writers and comedians try to trigger emotions.

Tonight I felt like chatting but my friend was kind of distant. I tried a snappy one liner and it back-fired. Boredom and fatigue were threatening to make things worse. A bit of explanation and a bit of emotion made things better.

We really didn't deal with anything in a detailed way. One paragraph he posted showed he understood what I was feeling. One question I posted got us talking and thinking. We weren't distant.

I was always told not to play the emotion game. It was a "cheap tactic" to get attention. That's true in a way but it depends on what sort of attention you need. If it's the look-at-me-I-am-selfish type then it is cheap. If it's the I-need-to-connect-with-you type then it can be valid.

Tonight was one of those gah-why-are-we-chatting-if-we-aren't-talking situations. A little noise and acknowledging the situation made things better.