Losses

Have you ever had a friend that drifted away but who still has the power to "get under your skin"? I do.

We were close friends and drifted apart. I accept that. I have 99% gotten used to things as they are. I don't chat as much with him because we don't share as many things in common as before. Sometimes I find it irritating because we only talk about his life. Sometimes I get a little envious because he has improved his life so much while (in some ways) mine has stalled.

I get tired of feeling like an observer getting glimpses of his life. I know we aren't going to be as close as we were. Part of me wants to cut off the friendship totally so I don't have to be reminded of him. That idea bothers me because I am not sure of his reaction. Would he be hurt or would he even care?

This morning I read a post in his MySpace blog which summarized the last year. Much of the information from the last three months was new to me. That bothered me a little because we aren't as close as we were. What bothered me most was that myself and others who played a part in his "story" had been ignored in the summary. It is his story to tell. I only played a part in it. So why did I get upset?

I guess I don't like to think I got edited out on purpose or just forgotten. The first is irritating but the second is scary.

What an odd combination: feeling forgotten but irritated that I haven't learned to forget yet.

Sometimes I REALLY hate emotions.

Some Observations

I had a bad night last night. This morning I am better but wanted to write this so I won't forget.

1. I still over-react to what one person says. I wonder if it's my way of not letting go.

2. None of my close friends (online or off) contact me unless they need something. I have to contact them.

3. When I think that I expect too much of my online friend I am comparing him to my offline friend. Then I think of #2 and get angry again.

4. In the last two years I have progressed best when helping others.

5. I have progressed mush slower than the people I have helped.

6. Having emotion again is a good thing but sometimes it hurts like hell.

I chatted with one of my blogfriends this morning and none of this came out. We talked about music videos. I know I am not alone but sometimes it feels like it.

Resetting Friendships

Things are finally returning to "normal" for me. I went through a month long period of chaos and doubt and then forced myself to make some changes. I had to look at my relationships with my closest friends and try to find out what I needed and what I was willing to change.

Friend #1

We had been drifting apart and this bothered me. Just when it seemed we were getting closer again we had some arguments and we drifted further apart. Luckily neither of us went too far.

I had to do some hard thinking. I wanted my friend to understand why I was taking this so hard. I had to accept my feelings as valid but not be trapped by them. I had to understand what I needed in the friendship so I could deal with what my friend needed.

Basically I needed to know two things: Was he my friend and was I his. To answer the first I had to let go of much of the past and ask myself tough questions. To answer the second I had to prepare myself for any answer and to be as fair and honest as I could.

Through a series of chats and emails we found out we are still friends. We both recognized that we had to loosen things up a bit and not be so connected. Some personal "distance" and reorganization of our boundaries helped us stay friends.

Friend #2

I don't talk to this friend as much as I used to. We phone and visit regularly but it isn't a daily thing. We can rely on each other however. I asked him for support and advice when I was having problems with my other friend.

The hardest thing was to make him understand that the other friendship was real and that it was important to me. Once that was accomplished we could work on solutions.

When you ask for help you open yourself to criticism or advice that is expected (to some degree) to be followed. I listened to my friend and implemented what I could. I also left some things until I knew whether I was still friends with the other guy.

What did I learn from this?

I found out that I have some great friends and I am willing to work hard to keep them. Adapting to changes in friends is important as long as it doesn't cause you more pain. We have to look after ourselves too.

Communication is very important. You have to express your ideas clearly and be willing to really listen.

After I settled things with Friend #1 I was looking through my blog archives and found the following quote:

Treat your friends with honesty and respect (including their boundaries), listen, talk, and learn to laugh.

Friendship is a gift so use it wisely.*

Sometimes we forget this and have to be reminded. It is worth remembering.

Cheers.

Communication Breakdown

I finally found out something related to my last post. Not much, but it helps.

I hate it when you need to talk to someone but they just can't talk to you right now. If they let you know they need space for a while that helps a lot. If they don't you worry.

This gets complicated when other people try to talk to you. You don't feel up to chatting and avoid them until you are ready.

This is like a chain reaction. One person effects another who effects another.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't care - and if I didn't worry about things too much.

Sometimes my "firemind" can be a liability.

Dazed

I have been tired and cranky these last few days. I couldn't seem to communicate with a friend on the weekend and that bothered me. I didn't do anything wrong but I made someone angry anyway. I stayed offline yesterday but went online tonight. I think I am being blocked.

What happened to trust, and honesty, and respect? They are probably still there but when I'm hurt I can't see them. I have been trying to change these last few months but have found it difficult. Change comes slow for me.

I hate waiting and wondering what is happening. I know people sometimes need time to express what is on their minds. Still, I feel dazed and sore.

Making Progress

This morning I am feeling down but that is due to emotional fatigue and general depression. It is a pain but not like what I went through a few days ago. I know what I have to do in the next couple of days and that should help with this.

I have browsed several blogs but haven't had time to really catch up on my reading. I hope to do that in the next few days. I have been able to talk to family and friends.

I had a nice long talk with my parents on Monday. I wondered if it would be about what I have been feeling lately, but it was more of the usual sharing of time and news. I haven't talked to my parents about 'problems' for years.

I had a nice chat with Stephen that same night. It was fun to catch up on news and joke around. As usual our conversation turned to his art classes and I checked out his latest work. I figured out most of the components in this picture. Can you?

I have been thinking about what I want to blog about. Several friends have commented/asked questions about my Directions post so I plan a "Directions 2" to add to it. I will also write about some of my memories such as the time I climbed a mountain and when I went ghost hunting in York.

Many of you know Shogun through this blog, his blog, or our group blogs. Lately he has been struggling to keep his blog going and finally decided to stop blogging - at least for now. He gave me permission to write a post to follow up the ones I wrote in July.

This weekend I felt like I was trapped between the past and the future. Now I feel like I am going forward again.

Cheers.

Reaction

I was upset this morning. I had been chatting with a friend and just couldn't seem to keep the conversation going. Since I was bored and wanted to talk I didn't want to quit. The silences grew longer and I didn't know what to say. The conversation seemed dead so I said goodbye and logged out. I then got upset.

Usually our chats are good and they make me think. Sometimes I get good ideas for blog posts. Last night I was a bit keyed up because I was pushing myself to get some chores done and was quite happy with all I accomplished. I guess I wanted things to go well online too. When it didn't I was dissatisfied and left the conversation. I was surprised at my reaction though.

I wonder if my reaction is based on insecurity on my part. If I am not interesting will I cease to be relevant? I don't know. I do know I reacted because some need wasn't being met.

I hate it when a tantrum like this comes along.

(In)Secure

I wasn't going to blog this morning. I was drained after chatting with friends last night and clarifying something with one of them. After playing a game for hours my mind can think objectively again.

One friend and I had a minor misunderstanding and we fixed things. That episode got me thinking about something and I emailed my friend. I was able to say why I reacted in a certain way and what I was feeling.

Feelings can be illogical. We may know something intellectually but our feelings seem to deny the truth.

I have some good blogfriends and we communicate back and forth at a level we are comfortable with. When someone hasn't been available I make sure to say hello when they are. I give them space when they need it. Some people have "moved on" and I don't hear from them but that's life.

I still find it odd when people habits change. Everything goes awry for a while. I "know" things are still secure but sometimes I start to compensate. I try to avoid arguments and "scenes" because I don't want to give people reasons to change more. Change is okay but too much can effect relationships.

I don't think I fear being turned away because I am not liked. I fear becoming irrelevant and boring.

Friends, Nephews, And Sons

Friends

When I first started blogging I didn't think I would make any real friends by doing it. I have always found it hard to meet new people and I didn't expect anything different online.

Blogging allows us to communicate with strangers in an intimate way and introduces us to them. I found myself responding to comments in my blog and commenting in other people's blogs. I started to get to know people.

When I began working with people in group blogs we communicated by email and instant messaging. I discovered that I had made some new friends.

Nephews

I was quite excited about the projects I was working on and mentioned them to people I knew offline. Their responses were positive for the most part but I did get some strange comments. One fellow said something like: "I thought only weirdos talked to strange kids on the 'net". I was angry and I nearly swore at the guy. That's when I got the idea to become Uncle Firemind.

Nobody asked any weird questions when I said I was chatting with my nephews or blogging with them. I got so used to this that sometimes I would slip up around relatives and have to explain things.

Saying people were my nephews and nieces started as a convenient way to deflect misunderstandings. It became a fun way to recognize my bonds with friends. I didn't hear from my real relatives but I got to play uncle online.

Sons

Things began to change earlier this year and many of my "nephews" quit blogging. I was also going through a period of soul searching. I began to feel lonely and blogged about wanting a son. Strangely enough that blog post brought me an honorary one.

Calling Shogun my son has been fun at times. I would get some odd comments from friends and associates. One of my friends had trouble with the idea. He just couldn't picture me as a father.

Some of the funniest situations arose when I talked to my mother. I remember saying: "hey, you're a grandma again", and pausing dramatically before adding: " but you don't have to diaper this one: he's sixteen". I then told my mom all about it.

I remember another funny incident that occurred when I was chatting with Shogun. I said I was going to phone my mom and he said: "say hi to Granny for me." I laughed and said exactly that.
Playing at father and son was fun. It was a way to recognize our friendship. We didn't take the words as serious as the bond they represented.

Words

Calling online friends nephews and sons has been a mixed blessing in a way. A good thing is that it made me feel more connected to people. These weren't the usual "friends" that were important one day and forgotten the next. I had walked away from friendships that didn't seem to be working and yet had put up with family I didn't get along with. I guess I was tired of people disappearing from my life.

The bad side of this is that it made the relationships too important to me. I spent too much time trying to make them work. I am, after all, just someone these people know online. I don't say this to lessen my friendships but to put things in perspective. I finally had to say that to myself even though it makes me bitter.

Like all friendships my online ones will evolve. I can't use fancy words to try to hold on to them. I can appreciate the friends I have and cherish the time I spend with them.

Music With The Masta

I just had one of those odd sessions that can happen when you chat/talk with friends. I was chatting with The Masta and he wanted to play his guitar for me. We powered up Skype and I listed to a bit of "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones and "Smoke On The Water" by Deep Purple.

The music was fun and lead to him listing the musicians on his ipod. Whenever I saw a musician I didn't know I copied the name into Radio Blog Club and listened to some music. This proved quite interesting as I explored artists like Daniel Powter and Fink.

This proves again how powerful messaging is. Two people of different ages in different areas of the world can share ideas and learn something.

To Listen

Sometimes you have to accept that you can't do much for people. You want your words to make them feel better. You want to be able to help.

Sometimes all you can do is listen.

When a person does the right thing, a noble act, and feels down because of it; all you can do is listen.

Pain can be so personal. Sometimes our attempts to help seem invasive and it is best to let a person deal with it themselves.

Listening is a way of helping. It is as important as offering advice or asking questions.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stop questioning and just listen.

Leon And I - A Guest Post For A Friend

Written by Bryce.

Leon was just a person who came across my blog. He commented, I commented back, and he became a regular. I hadn't had many readers of my blog, so having someone actually read, take in, and comment on my posts was refreshing, and it was nice to know my words weren't lost in cyberspace.

Soon we became good friends, contacting each other through email and on MSN. We've gone though many things together,like any normal relationship; we've had fights, we've had triumphs, we've had a lot of good and a lot of bad times. But these things just build on who we are today.

When I was first told of Leon's age I was a little freaked out, but upon getting to know him, I realised he was just a guy looking for friends, and someone to talk to.

I feel as if we've grown up together.

Though at one point I said that Leon was like a father I never had, I actually think he was more of a brother I never had, or just a best friend.

We know everything about one another, and we help each other out when we have problems. We share our happy times, and mourn together in the sad.

I feel I've really changed who he is as a person inside. I've changed him into an assertive, proud, brave person, who can deal with things on his own, without just sitting and brooding. Though, as I always say, You can't change everything, no matter how hard I try (Gosh Leon, STOP eating out so much, make your own bloody dinner).

We've had so many laughs together, and he is very good at making me happy. Even though most of the time I bite his head off. Most of the time he's good at taking that, and trying not to annoy me so much.

I enjoy having a friend who's so much older. Being friends with Leon has made me more mature in my ways. I think I really needed a male friend like him. Now he's all mine! Muahahahaha~

^___^ Yes. We have a lot of fun.

Thank you very much Leon, for being the bestest friend a person could ask for. Thank you for being here for me.

Congratulations on your 1000th post, I hope there are many more to come.

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Guest Post Part Deux

I just finished Part 2 of my guest post at Shogun's Blog. It was hard to get it right and to say what needed to be said. It is hard to condense a seven month intense friendship into two blog posts.

Shogun/Bryce wrote a guest post for Firemind too. It is nice and it will be my 999th post. ^__^

Sometimes you meet people and find them becoming friends. If you keep an open mind, and bend when you have to, you make it easier for someone to trust you. You in turn learn to trust them.

Online friendships are slightly different but the principle is the same. Treat your friends with honesty and respect (including their boundaries), listen, talk, and learn to laugh.

Friendship is a gift so use it wisely.

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