Chasing Wrinkles

I am feeling very reflective today. I haven't painted myself with metallic paint - although that might be fun - it's just I am trying to make sense of getting older. You see, I turned 44 today.

Generally birthdays are non - events for me. I seem to expect a card from my mom and one of my aunts only because I have received cards all my life. I don't mention my birthday unless someone asks. I don't think I am being humble, just private.

One year I told a waitress it was my birthday and got a free dessert and everyone sang "Happy Birthday". It was nice but it wasn't like a real party. The last birthday party I had was when I worked at Woolco. The women I worked with on the "Pricing Crew" captured me and took me to an employee's house for lunch. We had food and a big cake. I got clothing (I still have the jacket) and a six foot balloon. It was a fun party.

Today at my volunteer job I considered mentioning my birthday but then decided not to. I feel valued there and a party wouldn't change things. Sometimes I needed things like birthdays recognized because my self esteem was low. Life is good now and I don't rely on other people for affirmation.

I am not rich but if I need something I buy it. My only problem is trying to 'save' something for special occasions. For this occasion I will buy a computer game addon and go out for dinner (to a place I rarely go).

Today is a good day to reflect. My blogiversary for 'Firemind' is on the 26th of June. A big part of my 'year' has been expressing myself here and getting feedback from you. Writing here has become an important part of my routine. I find that recording my thoughts online is a way to 'clean out' the churning mill in my head. It is also a way to achieve understanding because my ideas reach more people. Some of these people will be interested in what I have to say. My 'communication boundaries' have been expanded.

Life is not static. This journal is proof that my life is not static. It can serve no better purpose than that.