UnSick

The last two days haven't been fun. I wanted to go to my Friday volunteer job but was too tired. I tried to sleep but that is hard with stomach problems. Every time I rolled over I aggravated my stomach. I also was coughing up stomach acid. Meh, what a pain.

Yesterday, I caught up on sleep and then went out for pasta. I didn't have anything spicy and I cut back on the coffee. So far I feel fine.

I have blog projects to work on and other things to attend to. I hope the rest of the weekend goes well.

No Stomach For WordPress

I have been having stomach issues off and on for the last week. Things have been better in the last two days and I thought whatever I had was gone.

Tonight I had a late supper and got a hot chocolate on the way home. I lay down to read and sip the drink and my stomach started to ache. I guess I have to watch what I eat/drink and what I do afterwards.

Something else irritated me too. When I turned on my computer I found more email notices about trackback spam from my old WordPress.com account. I reset my password and puttered around but realized I had been away from WP too long. I decided to just delete the blog.

I have a couple of blog projects to work on tonight. I also have more blog submissions to check at BBD. No rest for innocent me.

Cheers.

Rain Is A Pain

Normally rain doesn't bother me. I DO live in Victoria where it rains a lot in winter. Unfortunately the small leak I had a few weeks ago has started again and it made a bigger mess. It isn't a disaster but it is a pain and I will have people disturbing my peace tomorrow fixing it.

Ah well, life goes on.

Snow And Other Oddities

It snowed yesterday and things were a little slow at some businesses. Victoria didn't quite disappear but many of us stayed inside so it might as well have. Some brave souls went out to see how much snow we had accumulated.

It might have been snowing outside but I was 'steaming' inside. People seem to think Christmas cards and/or presents are a currency you exchange for phone calls, letters, or emails. They're not. They are gifts. Furthermore, people who only acknowledge me every few months can wait a week or two for my email.

I was thinking about the Christmas card issue when I visited MySpace for the first time in two weeks. Most of the bulletins were from one friend who hasn't said hello since November. I felt like he was demanding attention but not willing to reach out to people. I thought of deleting him as a contact but then decided to just write a quick note to everyone saying hello. The note became a 'say hello or delete me' post. The guy IMed me and we chatted for about 30 minutes. It was nice.

The last 24 hours have been so odd.

Site Feed Problems

The site feed for Firemind is not updating properly. It seems stuck in June. Hopefully I can fix the problem without playing with my template.

Update: I turned off the feed and published and then turned ot on again. This post showed up. I republished the previous post and it popped up too. Things might be back on track.

Blogger Irritations

Today was busy but nothing irritated me. My only irritation right now is with Blogger. For some reason it decided Firemind is a spam blog and now forces me to use word verification EVERY time I post or save as draft. I sent an email to Blogger but have yet to hear from them.

Bah, #@%$

I wasn't going to post here tonight. I wrote a quick post in one of my other blogs and was going to play a computer game. Then I saw a friend was online and decided to say hello.

I only talk to him about once a week and the chats used to be great but now they are varied. The chat started okay. The conversation covered his news - which I had to ask about. Then he seemed to stop responding so I switched to what I was doing. No response. 15 minutes later... still no response.

Why are some people so rude when chatting?

Why do they make me feel like a second class friend?

I know another person who disappears in the middle of chats and I find it annoying as well. I wonder if I expect more of the guy I talked to tonight because we were once close friends.

I guess it is time to look at what I want from people and what I expect from them.

Small Accomplishments

I woke up last night and didn't know what time it was or even what day it was. The only thing I knew was that I didn't feel sick.

Part of my problem with friends lately is that I haven't had much to say about myself. This combined with a lack of interest (sometimes) has left me feeling forgotten and useless. Some people have been talking to me and I appreciate that.

I was checking stats for Firemind and noticed that readership is down. I know that some people subscribe to my blog in Bloglines and other readers and they don't show up in the stats as visits. (I guess that's why I like to physically visit a blog when I read it).

Part of me just wants to stop worrying about people and live my own life. Part of me says "screw readers" and write for myself. I am doing more of that. I also don't shove people away so I am trying to find a balance. I am getting there slowly but surely.

So what are those accomplishments I mentioned in the title? "Getting there" is one of them. I also read all of Stephen King's "The Bachman Books" this week. That's four novels! I also made myself some bologna burgers this morning.

Sometimes the little things outweigh the big ones.

Cheers.

Why?

I noticed that the local newspaper (The Times Colonist) had a story about the guy who went on a shooting spree at a Montreal university. I agree it is news, and that the story should be told, but hate to see photos of the idiot on the front page. The guy loved violence and wanted to die in a gun battle. He get's his wish and kills and injures people in the process. Our newspaper then "rewards" him by showing photos from his blog. Photos of a guy posing with his weapons. We don't see him as a bloody mess in a morgue or as student or child. We see him as he wanted to be portrayed.

Why must we feed society's hunger for violence by glorifying murderers? I was going to link to the news story but decided he had too much fame already. I am not going to give him any more.

Reaction

I was upset this morning. I had been chatting with a friend and just couldn't seem to keep the conversation going. Since I was bored and wanted to talk I didn't want to quit. The silences grew longer and I didn't know what to say. The conversation seemed dead so I said goodbye and logged out. I then got upset.

Usually our chats are good and they make me think. Sometimes I get good ideas for blog posts. Last night I was a bit keyed up because I was pushing myself to get some chores done and was quite happy with all I accomplished. I guess I wanted things to go well online too. When it didn't I was dissatisfied and left the conversation. I was surprised at my reaction though.

I wonder if my reaction is based on insecurity on my part. If I am not interesting will I cease to be relevant? I don't know. I do know I reacted because some need wasn't being met.

I hate it when a tantrum like this comes along.

Don't Judge Me!

I hate it when people jump to conclusions and judge people. It feels worse when it effects me.

Do what you think is right for you and your family. Trust your instincts when dealing with others.

But...

Don't judge me. You don't know me.

Leave Each Other Alone!

Sometimes I get so angry with people. People who can't respect those different from themselves. I have been hurt and brutalized by people because I didn't fit in. I sometimes fought back and even if the harassment didn't end I respected myself. Sometimes I caved in and drifted through life with no self esteem and little hope.

One of my "friends" even tried to explain why he didn't defend me and sometimes joined in. It all boiled down to him being relieved that he wasn't the victim and that he didn't want to be "uncool". Mindless idiot.

I finally graduated from high school and learned not to work with certain people. I haven't had to face that type of animosity for a long time. I remember what it was like.

I didn't look different. We didn't have emos, and punks, and so on. We barely had anyone with long hair. It didn't matter. People needed a victim.

Now there are different groups in many schools. People tend to hang around with others who share their interests. Sometimes they band together because they are tired of the shit that some students put them through.

Some end up acting just as bad as the haters and call each other half-emo, or poser, or something similar. Most just want to be left alone.

Who gives a shit if a guy wears eyeliner or a girl has spiked hair. People need to get their heads out of their butts and realize that they have more important things to worry about.

I really hate seeing a friend go through shit because of how he dresses or wears his hair. Shogun is a really nice guy who happens to be emo. I know he has been having problems with people harassing him. In a previous post he wrote:

Because of how hateful my school is getting, I'm too afraid to go anywhere by myself anymore. (#)

This is insane.

Leave Each Other Alone!

(In)Secure

I wasn't going to blog this morning. I was drained after chatting with friends last night and clarifying something with one of them. After playing a game for hours my mind can think objectively again.

One friend and I had a minor misunderstanding and we fixed things. That episode got me thinking about something and I emailed my friend. I was able to say why I reacted in a certain way and what I was feeling.

Feelings can be illogical. We may know something intellectually but our feelings seem to deny the truth.

I have some good blogfriends and we communicate back and forth at a level we are comfortable with. When someone hasn't been available I make sure to say hello when they are. I give them space when they need it. Some people have "moved on" and I don't hear from them but that's life.

I still find it odd when people habits change. Everything goes awry for a while. I "know" things are still secure but sometimes I start to compensate. I try to avoid arguments and "scenes" because I don't want to give people reasons to change more. Change is okay but too much can effect relationships.

I don't think I fear being turned away because I am not liked. I fear becoming irrelevant and boring.

Fun And Gaims 2

This was to be part of the previous post but I got sidetracked by a chat, music, and Gaim (*&%# again!).

I first learned about Tegan and Sara through Shogun and I liked their music. Last night I heard one of their songs for the first time and I am hooked.

Last night I used Meebo to talk to an AIM contact and liked it, Meebo is nice. The only problem is that you need to keep your browser open.

I had a chat using MSN Messenger and that was okay but I missed the way Gaim works. I decided to try puttering with Gaim again and found I could load AIM and GoogleTalk but if I loaded MSN Gaim crashed.

Microsoft may be tweaking MSN code again and it will take time for Gaim to catch up. I can use it for my other accounts though. I wish these programs worked better together.

Crash Survivor

Just after I posted and a chat ended I felt myself starting to crash emotionally. I don't know why it was happening. I may have felt lonely or just depressed overall.

I have always "blogged out" my feelings before in one form or another. I have learned to be more direct about it. Sometimes just saying I am feeling down saves me the frustration of trying to express myself in a certain way. It also leads to more direct and meaningful comments.

I was going to blog earlier but didn't want to feed my mood. I played Civ for a few hours and the distraction helped.

I just popped online and chatted for a bit and decided to blog again. As soon as I got into a chat I let the person know how I was doing. One thing I learned from Shogun is that it's better to let people know your mood. It makes chatting easier for everyone and keeps the mood from getting worse.

So now I am chatting and blogging. These activities aren't curing my depression or the resulting headache but they help. I can reach out and not feel alone for a while. Being alone is okay except when you are ill or depressed.

I may play some more Civ before bed. I will finish the night with cookies and milk. Comfort foods help bad moods.

Good night.

Who Needs Me?

I have been brooding too much lately (sorry Bryce). The poem I wrote recently describes part of my problem. My main issue is that I don't feel needed.

I feel like I am drifting away from people. Eventually they will look up and wonder where I am. What if I chose to wait until I was needed and discovered I was redundant? Meh, my brain sees all the bad things when I'm moody.

I know I should meet more people but that is a problem for me. What seems easy online is difficult in real life. Maybe I should look at new ways of getting myself out into the community.

---

Some of my blog posts have lead to interesting comments or discussions. In "My Religion" I posted a quiz I took and several people commented. I posted about music at The Masta's Blog and this lead to a discussion about music and a person joining 2 Lazy 4 Radio.

---

Yesterday I had tofu burgers and salads for supper. I used raisin bread made by my aunt. Over all it was a good meal. Tonight I went out. I needed to get out and didn't feel like cooking.

---

Tonight has been mixed. I lost my Internet connection but not email or IM. It was frustrating. I phoned my ISP but got a busy signal and then my Internet was back. Now I can blog and read blogs.

---

I am not brooding right now but I still ask myself: "who needs me?"

One Of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days? One of those why-do-I-try days in which everything seems to piss you off. I am sure you have. This isn't one of them but it comes close.

I didn't get the return phone call from a friend I was expecting. I can understand why but it added to my frustration today.

I did talk with my parents on the phone. It was okay but I got most of the news last weekend and I was tired when they called.

I managed to chat with one friend. Some of it was okay and some of it was frustrating. Sometimes I think I should let others IM me when they feel like talking. When I am bored I seem to expect more from people. I also get frustrated easier. I understand why I need a few people to chat with rather than one or two.

I posted some photos but not too many. I am just not photogenic. LOL.

I am going to kill something... in a computer game.

Bye.

Barmaids And Blah Days

I went out to eat a late supper the other day. I go to this place fairly often and sometimes I leave a tip and sometimes I don't. This time I had a pleasant chat with the barmaid/waitress but neither it nor the food was special. As we settled the bill I rounded it up to the nearest dollar and she got a "tip" of $.80. She gave me my change (and kept the extra) and then proceeded to tell me that tips are usually 10%. Gak! I was so pissed off. I didn't say anything but as I went home I kept thinking what a jerk she was.

Yesterday I was so tired I slept a lot and didn't even turn on my computer. I feel better but miss my friends already. Ha ha. I need a life.

9

Neither Good Nor Bad

Better?

I am feeling better but I am still tired a lot. I am not sure why I am feeling low but I am. I don't feel sick and I don’t feel depressed I just feel... blah.

At least I am getting some things done. I did a load of laundry tonight.

Papers

I will have to phone Vic News and complain. My building manager got tired of phoning them to ask that papers not be delivered to individual units. I can read the paper at work or elsewhere so I don't need it. Furthermore I hate getting tons of flyers.

It is nice to have a free paper but most of the stories can be found in other papers or on the 'net.

Physical Spam

I wonder if our 'love' of spam may have been stopped if we had not become a 'flyer culture'. The blue recycling box at my complex is always overflowing with flyers and other advertising. The junk goes from the mailbox to the bluebox with out being looked at. What a waste of trees.

Old Games

I tried running Freedom Force on my computer and found that I could do so even though I got a Windows message saying it was incompatible with XP. I could play but my video card kept locking up so I will not try any more. The game wasn't one of my favourites any way.

I wish they would remake some of the good old games like X-com. I would like to see them fix the glitches and update the graphics just enough to use cool modern features. They wouldn't need to rewrite the story or add tons of useless crap. The story of X-com is good enough as is.

I would be playing X-com right now if it would run on a fast computer using XP. It would look old but the gameplay and story would keep me interested.

Slow Motion

I hope I get out of this minor rut soon. It is odd to feel like I am moving in slow motion and just missing business closing times and friends online. Ah well, at least I am aware of this feeling.

Warped Corpses

Dear Dreary,

I think I am alive. If I was dead I wouldn't have gone grocery shopping. I would have stayed home and written posts like this:

Today I Sent the ghost to scare away visitors, but mostly I laid in the coffin.

Meh, now that I am awake and feeling better I am thinking of the things I should have done today.

I bitch therefore I am (alive).

I have some ideas for posts and a podcast. I may work on them later tonight since there isn't much else to do.

Why is it that I always become nocturnal when I am depressed or ill? Maybe I am a (sing-a-long now):

Creature of the night!

Cheers.