Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I Can't Go Back

My life has changed in the last year. I began to open up with people and found out I could care about them. There have been misunderstandings but those were overcome. You can't expect anyone trying to figure themselves out to be completely stable in attitudes and needs. This was the case with myself and some friends.

The hardest part about the last year has been accepting my place in the world. I would work with people of all ages and get influenced by them. I picked up on attitudes, and music, and other things. I knew I could never really fit in but part of me regretted that. Sometimes I would feel envious and say where were these situations and/or people when I was that age. When I was "that age" they didn't exist. I didn't exist.

When I was 13 I was confused but having fun. I did some things that others only dream about. I wonder sometimes if all those things helped me or made my life harder.

If I relived those fun times I would have to go through the loneliness I lived with when I was 16 - 17. I would have to relive the hell I went through when I was 19 - 20. For all of the good times I would revisit I would have some bad times to experience.

If I went back into my past it would be as I was then. If I somehow avoided those bad times I would not become me. I am the sum of all the good and the bad that has happened.

The world is a different place now and I am here as I am. I am not 16 anymore. I am not one of the gang. I am not a best friend. I am not one of the cool set. I am me.

People change and other people have to adapt. We vary in importance over time and need to recognize what level we are at. If we don't things get really annoying.

I have felt really alive in the last few months. It was great being able to help people. It was great being friends and thinking about other people for a change. What I didn't expect was how much I resisted the changes in myself. I tried to stop changing when I found a high point and didn't understand why. I found that helping others made it easier to avoid helping myself.

I can't go back but I can go forward. I just have to be patient when I am frightened and ruthless when I am lazy.

I can go forward.


LJ said...

I think I could have written this entry. ONly I wouldn't have said it near as well. Well done.

Leon said...

Thanks LJ this was a tough one.

christine said...

Forward is the only way, but what I see ahead of me scares the shit out of me. As you sayyou can never go back, O go visit my home town and know and recognise no one apart from my immediate family.

Take care leon

Leon said...

Thanks Christine.