Friday, May 12, 2006

No Questions And No Answers

I am feeling a little disconnected at the moment. I don't feel depressed or angry or even confused. I am not sure what I feel.

I think it all started Tuesday when one of my activities didn't work out because of the other person involved. For the first time in weeks we were able to meet and I phoned and said I would be late. The message was passed on but the person left before I got there. This is just the latest incident in a struggling situation and I think it is time for a change. Probably we won't be meeting anymore.

There are other things I need to change too. I have an idea what feels wrong but don't know how to define it exactly. When I know a question I can usually find an answer. Or if I have an answer I can come up with a question.

I started to change things in the last few months but lately I have been stuck. I have noticed that when I chat with friends I run out of things to say. Oh, I can always babble about stuff I have thought about, but it's things I am doing that I have trouble with.

Another thing I have noticed is I seem to fear changes in others. As they get busy and have less time for me I feel that I am only getting part of the story. I can't encourage change in others and then not deal with it when it happens.

I guess I also fear change in myself. Will I lose track of those I like if I get busier? Will what I have to say then be of any interest to friends? These are questions that can only be answered when something happens. But "something" has to happen first and I don't know what it is or where to start.

I don't mind having doubts because it means I am not sleepwalking through life. I just miss those big goals I had in high school and university. I miss working towards goals like my trips to Europe.

Maybe that is why I find some of my online friends so refreshing. Some of their goals and experiences may seem petty to them but to me they are encouraging. I know I can be annoying sometimes when I ask too much but it's because I care and I am interested.

Thinking about my online friends does bring up another issue. It may be time to stop looking to them for answers and to look at things offline. I won't abandon cyberspace but some change is needed.

I don't know the questions and the answers but I know I am looking for something. That, at least, is a start.

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