The Horny Ass Hat

This is my entry for WTB's Ass Hats #5

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Years ago I worked as a security guard and got to meet many "interesting" characters. Most of them weren't really bad but were just people who had too much to drink, or were having problems. Occasionally I did come across real ass hats.

One of the buildings I worked in I'll call "The Towers". It is a large apartment building in downtown Victoria and in the 1990s it had become quite seedy and rundown. We used to travel in groups of three when doing our rounds it was so bad.

One of the main problems at "The Towers" were the prostitutes. They were always sneaking johns in the side doors and leaving these doors propped open. Sometimes they would scam the customers by losing them in the stairwells or elevators.

One night around midnight I noticed a well dressed man looking confused near the office. I didn't recognize him but knew he didn't live in the building. I asked if he needed help.

"I'm looking for a friend", he said, " we seem to have gotten separated".

I asked who his friend was and what apartment she lived in. I also I offered to call her. He looked irritated for a moment and said he didn't know the apartment. He gave a name I didn't know and started for the elevators.

I told him that he couldn't go wandering around the building. He got angry and said he had to find the woman because she owed him money. I asked what she looked like. He described her as a "black chick" with "no front teeth".

The other guards were trying not to laugh but I kept a straight face. We knew all about the toothless "black chick". She was an addict and a hooker who had scammed johns before. This fancy playboy had sure found himself a 'lady of the evening".

The guy wanted us to tell him her apartment number. I told him that offhand I didn't know it. He said he would go look for her and started to leave. I called him back and told him again that he couldn't go wandering around the building.

He got very angry and wanted to know "how in the hell" he would get his hundred dollars back. (At this one of the guards snickered and I knew what he was thinking - this turkey got taken before he was abandoned). I still managed a straight face.

The guy wanted to know why we wouldn't let him go upstairs. I explained that we didn't know the exact apartment the woman lived in. I suggested that he accept the fact he had been scammed and let it go.

"That stupid bitch runs off without putting out and you won't let me do anything about it." He added that we should be helping him and that he was someone important. At that point I didn't care who he was. I just knew he was an arrogant asshole who was wound up because someone has gotten the best of him.

He started getting aggressive with me and was close to being outright insulting. I finally had enough and told him that if he wanted to report a theft I could call the police for him - otherwise he would have to leave.

"Call the cops?" He yelled, "You do know what we are talking about don't you?" He looked at me as if I was stunned.

I looked right at him and said, "yes sir, I know exactly what we are talking about and I think you have to accept the facts that you got scammed. You might want to consider the types of partners you pick up. The point is: you can't go wandering around looking for her.".

For a moment I thought he was going to keep arguing, but then he left without saying a word.

The other guards and I paused for a bit and then began to laugh. We couldn't believe how arrogant and stubborn the guy had been. The guy was one of the biggest ass hats I have ever come across.