Wednesday, September 27, 2006

My Colour Is Blue

I am fighting a cold or something right now. I felt run-down and sore when I was writing the previous post. I took one of those blue nighttime cold caplets and read for a few hours. I then set my alarm and slept for 7 or 8 hours. I felt better when I woke up but didn't have any energy. I rested all day and finally went for some fish and chips. I didn't feel too bad.

Last night I was starting to feel worn again so I lay down and read. I couldn't sleep. I decided to have another blue pill and a snack. The medicine may be premature but I hate being sick. I have too many things to do without worrying about being sick. Thinking about illness and about other things was making me feel blue - in the I-am-depressed sense

Writing always helps a bit when I am feeling down. I was starting this post and thought about the different meanings of blue. Then I thought of the Blue Sky. In that sense it is a 'nice' sense of blue. It is cheery and safe in moderate amounts. It comes when darkness has passed but always leaves. It is like living with depression or another illness.

I sometimes get nervous when I get sick. It's not bad when it is just a cold or something mild. When I get the stomach heaving cramps or nausea I sweat as much from fear as from fever. Those were the symptoms I felt just before I went into a coma-like state while being rushed to the hospital. I was suffering from pneumonia in both lungs.

Being sick is one time I hate being independent. There is no one around to take care of me and catch me if I fall. Being blue due to depression seems easy compared to being physically ill. The truth is that fevers break or people die. Depression can last a lifetime and influence your job, your education, and your relationships.

There is one thing depression has over physical illness: it doesn't scare me. It hurts, and can be frustrating, but I can always push it away. I can do this myself. When I had pneumonia I would have died without help. I lost my independence in order to live.

I have often wondered why blue is one of my favourite colours.


Joel said...

Ugh. Support vibes sent your way. Hope you recover soon.

Leon said...